The pandemic has aged me.

So much so, that I’m a decade old now. Remember when I was 3 and I wanted to be Hazy when I grew up? Haha, so young and naive. [Don’t tell anyone, but I still want to be Hazy when I grow up.] Here are the answers to all the burning questions I know you wanted to ask me:

I know what you’re saying: that’s it? That’s all the George we get? Have no fear, here are 25 other things you didn’t know about me:

1. I’m a piano prodigy. I’ve taught myself to play the themes from Star Wars, Minecraft and Among Us.
2. I don’t like being alone upstairs. I will go upstairs alone, but I don’t *like* it.
3. I could spend all day bobbing in the ocean.
4. I love dogs, especially my two.
5. I want my own pet, preferably a monkey, a snake, or a bird. Mom says maybe I can get a fish.
6. I scoff at the idea that there are 90 servings of parmesan cheese in a family-size container. There are 20 max.
7. I’ve been known to polish off a bottle of “kid wine” (sparkling cider) in one sitting.
8. I sleep 10-11 hours a night but still have a hard time waking up in the morning.
9. I have (self) published several books, including, “Dada, The Super Farter” (a semi-biography) and “Terror in New York City” (in which I play a secret agent-in-training with a British accent).
10. I wear athletic pants and a t-shirt pretty much every day in the cold weather months.
11. I’m meh on pizza.
12. My favorite vacation ever was going to this place called Grand Oasis in Tulum because it had all my favorite things: a pool, the ocean, and an all-you-can-eat buffet. They also had a swim-up bar in the kids’ pool where I ordered a “pina colada, no boobs.” I may have misheard something. Also, I was like 6 at the time.
13. I leave my socks all over the place – on the dogs’ crates, on the coffee table, on the living room floor.
14. I love board games, in theory.
15. I get really, really mad when I lose at board games.
16. I almost always forget something. There’s a sign on our front door that says, “George, wear a mask!” but I still often forget my mask.
17. I’m so over Covid.
18. I always order the same thing at Dudo’s (Dunkin): two bacon, egg & cheese wake up wraps and a sixer of munchkins.
19. My favorite avenger is Tony Stark, hands down.
20. I rarely make my bed.
21. I would like to get my ears pierced.
22. I ran my first ever race this year. It was a 5k, the longest I’ve ever run. I got a cramp at one point and had to walk a bit with my dad, but I finished (and I beat my sister).
23. I love the poems of Shel Silverstein.
24. I’m learning Italian on Duolingo.
25. When I was around 5, I asked a beautiful woman on the subway, “Guess what?” When she replied, “What?” I said, “I love you.” I’m a charmer like that.

Still not enough George?

Here’s 4-year old me, who restated the question, “What is the meaning of life?” as “You mean, what is my favorite drink?”

And 5-year old me, who did a sweet rendition of “Shut Up and Dance.”

6-year old me told truly horrible jokes.

When I was 7, I debated the merits of Paul Blart Mall Cop vs Paul Blart Mall Cop II.

Titanic was “close enough” to my favorite movie when I was 8.

At age 9, kids were not yet off the table.

Here’s to double digits –

-Duke

9: More Challenges, More Questions, Funner

Hey guys, guess who just turned 9? If you guessed George, G$ or Duke, you’re correct. If you were like, what? Weren’t you just a baby like a minute ago? You’re also correct.

• 

• 

• 

My editorial, family photo wall, and catalog shots respectively

What’s it like turning 9 during a pandemic? Let’s just say when my mom asked where I’d go if I could go anywhere in the world, I said, “Someplace without Corona.” Waaaa, waaaa. It’s not all bad news though. Here’s what I had to say about a few other things, including my favorite color (it’s a rollercoaster ride, peeps, strap in), my future career, and how great my life is (spoiler alert: really, really great).

Here’s a little snapshot of things I like, not necessarily in order*:

1. My Mom
2. My Dad
3. Rosie (just kidding, Hazy, or am I?)
4. Hazy
5. Parmesan cheese
6. Candy
7. Minecraft
8. Talking about Minecraft
9. Roblox
10. Pasta
11. Hockey
12. LEGOS
13. Cuddles
14. Shredded Cheddar Cheese
15. Movie Night
16. Playing “I love you,” “I love you more,” “I love you more more,” etc with Mom either via hand squeezes or verbally.
17. Dunkin’ Donuts
18. Recounting forgettable moments from movies and HISHE clips with, “Remember when…” a la Chris Farley.
19. Playing games with my family (Uno, Connect Four & Monopoly)
20. Ice Cream
21. Koi (my friend’s guinea pig)
22. Remote-controlled things
23. Not wearing pants

Yours, George (Duke)

*if you’re a narc, but pretty much in order

p.s. Jennifer Waddell took those photos of me.

8 is Great

Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. It’s me, George (Duke). I’m 8 now. Yes, you read that correctly. You might remember me from such posts as Life as a 7-year Old (I’m the 7-year old) and Guess Who’s Six (spoiler alert, it was me). You probably can’t imagine, but I was once just a naive little kid.

How do I compare to Hazy when she was 8?

Anyway, here’s a little update on 8-year old me:

If you think I’ve grown out of my cheese addiction, 1) you clearly haven’t met my mother, and 2) you’re wrong. I eat shredder cheddar every day and I have almost made a grown man cry with that “tell me when to stop” game with the parmesan at restaurants.

I still like Titanic. I’m also experiencing a Star Wars renaissance. Attack of the Clones is the best Star Wars movie. Don’t @ me. My mom already tried the whole “the original trilogy is the best” thing and I disagree, mainly because I don’t know what she means by “original” or “trilogy.” The funniest movie I’ve ever seen is Jumangi: Welcome to the Jungle. The second funniest movie I’ve ever seen is Jumangi: The Next Level. Keep in mind, the bar was set by Paul Blart.

I’m super into hockey, soccer, baseball, and Gaga Ball, which has nothing to do with Lady Gaga except that both can get pretty intense. One time, I jammed a finger pretty bad! #badromance

I’m also really into reading. I read the Dog Man books by Dav Pilkey almost every day, and I’m working on reading the Harry Potter books. My mom and I have invented a dog version of Harry Potter (Dogwarts, of course) and we’re open to new character names besides Albus Doggledore and Rubeus Dogrid. I was pretty psyched to find out I’m a Gryffindor, especially with parents from Ravenclaw and Slytherin (you figure out which is which).

I enjoy jokes (especially puns and knock knocks), laughing, and the occasional cry. Mom said it’s okay to cry when you’re sad, which I remind her about all the time, as she and Dad seem to have a different idea of what “sad” means than I do. Sure, the death of a loved one is sad, but so is not being able to have candy when you want it.

I collect quarters from different states. I love my dog, Rosie. I like cheese. Did I mention that already?

Life as a 7-year old

Hello, my long lost friends. It’s me, George (formerly Duke). Last October (seriously, Mama?), I turned 7. And even though technically, I’m closer to 8 now (I mean, really, Mama), this post is about my 7-year old milestones.

Here are some exciting developments in my life:

• I’ve lost a bunch more teeth. A couple the normal way, one via head butt (not self-inflicted, cough cough, Hazy), and one via basketball to the face. And guess what? The Tooth Fairy doesn’t give you extra for forced tooth losses. I mean, what the? Check yourself before you wrickety-wreck yourself, TF.
• I’m over Star Wars. Titanic is the new Star Wars. The night I saw Titanic, I also lost a tooth, and it was the best night of my life. I have a Titanic model, Titanic tickets, a replica Titanic menu, and I’ve asked for Titanic Legos, but Mama claims they don’t make them, at least not for less than $2,000. Worth it.
• Way back in October when I filmed my interview, I had a different favorite movie. Spoiler alert: it’s Paul Blart Mall Cop. I know what you’re thinking, Paul Blart Mall Cop II is arguably better. But what can I say? I’m a stickler for the original.
• I now play soccer, baseball, and hockey. I think I’m pretty great at all of them. Dad says I need to practice, but I reminded him that Mama already said I’m good, so I’m good. Also, I beat Mama at H.O.R.S.E. more than half the time, and I’m pretty sure she’s actually trying.
• I’ve also been working on my cooking.
  

  If you liked Opa Eggs™, you’ll love Designer Impostors George Eggs.

• I’ve been getting into dancing, mostly hip hop. I can floss, I can dab, I can do other moves you (my mom) don’t even know the names of. Did you know there are over a dozen instrumental versions of Justin Timberlake’s SexyBack? My Spotify does!
• I’m really into reading. I’ve even been known to quote literature. And by literature, I mean Dog Man books.
• Some things haven’t changed. I’m still very strongly Team Cheese, and I’m still pro-tablet and office supplies. 

Here’s a little taste of my 7-year old wisdom, including the meaning of life, a hilarious flag anecdote, and a glimpse of some of my favorite things.

Pretty mature, eh? Wonder what this little guy would think of me now.

Thanks for reading/watching!

-George (formerly Duke)

Guess Who’s Six?

Guys, it’s been over a year since I turned 5, and you know what that means: cheese! (I celebrate everything with cheese; see the tablecloth for evidence.) Also, it means I just turned 6. And by “just,” I mean two and a half months ago because my ghost writer is slower than me putting on my shoes on a weekday morning.

Anyway, I’ve really matured as a young man, as you can see by this year’s interview:

 

Just kidding, I’m 6, guys. Here are a few things I feel pretty strongly about:

Pants. I know I’ve asked this before, but why do we have to wear them?

Star Wars. If the Imperial March isn’t the soundtrack to your life, then maybe you need to reexamine things. Think of how much more powerful you’d feel coloring, playing with Legos, jumping off the third stair, or (not) brushing your teeth with “Dun dun dun dun-ta dun, dun-ta DUN!” playing in the background. You’d probably be president by now instead of Dumbhead McPoopypants. Besides Star Wars’ music, I also like light sabers, my mini Darth Vader, Star Wars books (I can “read” Star Wars Rebels without even looking at the pages), and Star Wars themed foods, even though Mama insists they taste the same as their non-Star Wars themed equivalents.

Cheese. You know when the server at a restaurant is grating parmesan on your pasta and asks you to tell them when to stop? I STILL HAVEN’T TOLD THEM TO STOP.

Rosie. Rosie’s my dog and she’s the CUTEST. You have to say “CUTEST” in your highest voice because that’s how we talk about Rosie. She likes giving me kisses, right on the mouth. She also likes when I shriek, “ROSIEEEEEE!” and listening to the Imperial March, or at least, she hasn’t said otherwise.

Post Its. This is the #1 item on the Christmas wish list I sent to Santa. That and paper and tape. I like writing love letters (really short ones), drawing pictures (really small ones) and making books (really hard to read ones) on them.

Tablet Time. Tablet time is everything. I play Subway Surfer, Rolling Ball, and Candy Crush Saga. You know, educational games. Mama makes me read before I can have Tablet Time, so now I am pretty much Doogie Howser, only instead of being a doctor, I’ll be a Jedi, because all I read are Star Wars books. I have a Kindle but Hazy has a Leapfrog so she’s jealous, which is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.

– Duke (George)

p.s. It’s me. I’m six.

p.p.s. Here’s what I was like when I was a little 4-year old.

p.p.p.s. And look at this drooling baby 3-year old me.

 

Welcome to The Show

What’s The Show, you ask? It’s a performance Duke and I put on pretty much anytime we’re in the Toy Pit for over an hour. The Show involves a lot of prep (costume design, ticket design and construction, ticket line construction, fighting over who gets to cut the tickets and who gets to give them out/collect them, announcing The Show). After our standard announcement, “Ladies & gentleman! Boys & girls of all ages!”, the actual Show usually then takes about 10 seconds, until we realize we have no actual performance prepared. But this last snow day, The Show really came together.
I think the key was having Duke run front-of-house/ticket management and also being somewhat loosy-goosy with the props. A Batman cape? Sure! A jumprope? Alright! A book? Why not? Ball? Toy dog? Pencil? Yes, yes and yes.
See for yourself:

Special thanks to our VIP guests, JD and Victoria. You were a great audience.

Also, I don’t care what Mama says, tights are totally pants.

– Bert

A Christmas Story (no, not that one)

No one gets their eye shot out in this one. But spoiler alert: there’s a big hungry BEAR!

– Duke

Bert & Duke cover band

Did you know we have a cover band? We’ll get back to you on the name. For now, we’re taking suggestions in the comments section.

Here we are warming up:

We perform mostly Disney songs, pop songs, and classics like Cherry Bomb and Brass Monkey. Occasionally/every day, we also sing reggae, specifically Bob Marley. Here’s a taste for ya.

Now technically, this is a kids’ song, but we think Steven (of “Sweet Emotion” fame) could definitely make this into a rock song:

This is kind of a kids’ song because Miley sings it and she’s a kid, and also because it has kiddie lyrics like “la di da di”:

We’ll let you know when our album drops.

– Bert & Duke

Bert & Duke: 2013 The Year in Review

Guys,

2013 was a pretty good year. Bert turned 4 with a bouncy house gala and Duke turned 2 in seersucker no less. Here are some of the highlights:

• We survived Hurricane Nemo in February! Bert thought it was fun; Duke did not.

• Also in February, the groundbreaking Ask Hazy Show premiered. Viewers have called it “cute” and “hilarious”, and frankly, are somewhat patronizing. (There are now 11 episodes!)

• Of course, then Duke tried to copy me with the Ask George show, which debuted to dismal ratings. [Duke’s note: we never gave it a chance to catch on with fans!]

• We realized we’re best friends!

• Duke revealed he’s got made skills with the sticks.

• We had our first Very Special Episode of the Ask Hazy show for my friend Sienna.

• We taught kids everywhere how to make life more interesting for their parents. You’re welcome, parents.

• We realized that with our modeling skills, we shouldn’t be getting out of bed for anything less than $10,000 or at least, like, 10 M&M’s.

• We gave some tips for cheering up Miss Dussia-Elliot or people with simpler names.

• We taught a class on dominating musica class.

• Everyone learned, don’t take Bert’s fork.

• We celebrated the best dad (around). Spoiler alert: it’s ours.

• We mourned the loss of a friend fart cushion.

• Bert reminisced to a simpler time, before Duke (!).

• Bert reached semi-international fame, thanks to mommyshorts.

• Duke tried (and failed) with another show. [Duke’s note: Come on!]

• We had a special guest star on the show. And by “the show”, obviously we mean Ask Hazy. [Duke’s note: no, we don’t!]

• Duke explained the deal with the bibs.

• Something beyond horrible happened to Bert.

• Santa came! He failed to bring Halloween shoes or a real robot though.

Happy New Year!

– Bert & Duke

“That Way: Cooking with Duke”

Guys, Hazelbert isn’t the only one with a TV show. Here’s the first (and let’s face it, probably only) episode of “That Way: Cooking With Duke”. Today, we’re cooking breakfast dishes. But wait ’til you see what comes out of the oven at the end! (Spoiler alert: I don’t know how spoiler alerts work.)
– Duke
p.s. Is it unappealing that the set has a giant trash can in the background?