Does your mom force you to pose like some kind of ANTM reject during what could be precious bubble blowing and dog attacking time to do some kind of photo shoot for your grandmas? Asking for some friends.

This gallery contains 12 photos.

Happy Belated Mother’s Day. – Bert & Duke

Things Mean Moms Do

I’m not saying Mama’s mean, just that she does some mean things. Horrible, mean things like:

Not let me wear my princess dress and bonus tutu to school

Forcing me to live in this giant mug.

And worst of all, going to Disney, my second favorite place on earth besides the Provincetown Library, without me.

But that’s okay. Because we’re doing all the things she’s doing.

Mama’s hanging out with princesses.

 

Duke and Dada are hanging out with a princess, too. I’m the princess, if there was any confusion.

Mama’s eating bad things.

Since Mama’s gone, we’re eating pancakes for breakfast, ice cream for lunch, and pizza for dinner.

Mama’s running around with monsters.

Me too.

You better be coming home with a lot of princess-themed items, Mama.

Keeping Things Interesting

To drop: smoothie

Kids make life more exciting. Fact. So, it’s our job to keep life interesting for Mama and Dada. Here are a few of our techniques.

Bathtime:
The bathtub is slippery and Mama only has two hands. She has to be quick and catch you if you slip. This is like Whack-a-Mole for her. Make it fun! When one of you slips, the other should make sure he or she is teetering around precariously on the small part of the tub that doesn’t have the bath mat on it. Also, when Mama rinses your hair, always say the first bucket is too hot and the second is too cold. No matter what.

The car:
The car is full of opportunities to make things fun for your parents. First of all, music. These suckers have made us 10 CDs probably. But we demand the same one and the same song all the time. How many times can they listen to “This is the real life” before they break? Only one way to find out. Secondly, “drop” stuff. Yell “Steve! Steve!” hysterically over and over until someone contorts themselves to get you your Scuba Steve and his little cage and then promptly drop it again. Recommence screaming. If you’re older, like Bert, you can continuously insist on bringing stuff in the car (trust us, they have no time for whining in the am; they’re very pliable between 7:45 and 8:30) and then “drop” it. Remember, every time you drop something, you want them to just pick up this one thing. It’s like a 12-step program. One drop at a time.

Independence:
Your parents don’t want to do everything for you. They want to watch you blossom into your own person. For their excitement, insist on doing EVERYTHING on your own. Putting on your own toothpaste, brushing your own teeth, getting in and out of your car seat, getting down highly breakable glassware from high shelves, etc. If, at any point, they tell you you can’t do it on your own, scream inconsolably and lash out physically. You don’t want their lives to be boring, do you?

I can do it myself: stairs version

To drop: paper cellphone

I can do it myself: roller skating version

To drop: sunglasses (Dada’s)

I can do it myself: sit on a drum and read version

Too hot! (Alternate title: Too cold!)

- Bert & Duke

Ask Hazy: Episode 6, “Boys”

Kelly E and I both like fashion, boys, and sticking out our tongues in photos, so I guess I’m cool with her saying we’re Best Friends.
This week on the show, she asks, “How do I know if a boy really likes me?” Cher says it’s in his kiss, Whitney says don’t trust your feeling. Here’s my take.
Spoiler alert: I’m 3 1/2.
-Bert

Ask Hazy: Episode #5, “Guess Who Has The Best Job In The World?”

Sorry, Friend of the Show, Joseph H, but it’s not you.

I know I’ve previously talked about my jobs as a store owner (we primarily sell magnetic numbers, plastic food, and babies) and restauranteur (signature dish: rocks), but what I haven’t mentioned is that I also have the Best Job In The World. I won’t give away what it is. 

- Bert

We’re the best friends in all the world!

Mama says Duke will be my best friend forever, and I say we’re the best friends in all the world! This is true until Duke tries to take something of mine and then I will put my face in his until he hits me and then cry to everyone about how Duke hit me. Anyway, here are a few things we like to do together:

Reading. I can read letters and I like books about princesses. Duke likes his book about the three counting kittens and likes to point out the spider. He also likes whatever book I’m reading and crying that he’s not currently reading it. Here, we are both pretending to know how to read.

Cooking in our kitchen, sometimes while holding our guys. My guy is named Mr. Bear; Duke’s guy is named Baby (all his guys are named Baby). We cook sushi soup, pancakes, and eggs. We do not have a sous chef or a bus boy or anyone who cleans up the kitchen. 

Riding the choo choo train. Just kidding, Duke hates this.

Helping get Duke ready.

Sharing. Just kidding, I don’t usually like sharing. (I picked out Duke’s outfit here!)

Riding our box car to New York City!

Reading in Duke’s bed.

What do you do with your best friend in the whole world?

- Bert

Duke on Drums

Super Fan: Baby/Arthur

People have been throwing around the words “prodigy” and “rock star”, but I’m just a kid who likes to drum. In perfect rhythm. At the age of 17 months. I’m sorry I don’t have a “talk show” and I can’t “stop drooling” and I haven’t learned “complete sentences” besides “bye bye, Mama” or “cheese now!”. I bet you didn’t know how to drum like this before you were out of diapers, unless you’re Tommy Lee, in which case, “hi, Tommy Lee! Call me on my banana phone.”
- Duke